Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
