Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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