He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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