im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
