This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
