Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
