Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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