i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
