That's intense
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
