I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
