i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
