and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
