Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
