My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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