I wanna passion pit in your ass
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
