I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
