I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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