Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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