I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
