I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
