I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
