it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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