Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
