At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
