Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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