I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
