I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize