Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
