Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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