Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
