I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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