please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
