I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
