I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Blood and glitter go together right?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
