We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
