just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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