i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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