after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
