i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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