how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My pussy is not your playground.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
