All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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