A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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