Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Everclear isn't food dammit
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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