Just took my morning after pill in the library
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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