I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
