Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
