yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
