final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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