I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
