Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
