God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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